"I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then." Clarissa Vaughn, The Hours (2002).
Not only a rare morning which brought with it a sense of possibility, but an entire day spent reading the messages and talking to my kind of folks finally forced me to end my hiatus and return to my love for the written word. The highlight though is yet another cosmic reminder that it's these people, who choose to consider you worth their while, that possess the concealed but oh so fantastical ability to let you experience that moment of pure joy... Happiness in the truest sense of the word. Perhaps the only other moment in life that replicated this sense of wonderment was my first snowfall. For a brief moment I felt transported into those magical worlds that my mother read to me about every night before bed hoping that I would grow up but never grow out of my sense of amazement at some of the riches of this rather paradoxical world that we live in. So here's to fantastical tales and moments of true magic and remarkable joy.....
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Friday, July 9, 2010
To someone who took the time.....
My encounters with true friendships have been few and far between and if I were to be honest, I have to say I don't regret having experienced it so scarcely because I always thought that the scarcity of the experience is what made it so memorable. It is what pevented me from taking my second family for granted. It is what reminded me of how lucky I am that these people thought it was worth it to accept me for the way I was, no matter how flawed. It reminded me that I should be more thankful than cynical about life because I had something which most people search for, but very rarely find......or so I thought.
In the past few days, I finally realised that I had managed to ignore everyone of these reminders... A friend of mine (at this point I am still wondering if she will let me call her that) very recently told me that I crib too much and perhaps what she was indirectly trying to tell me is that in a haze of self obsession, I had forgotten how to appreciate and understand people who wanted to stick with me through thick and thin, and that I am making it very difficult for them to make that sacrifice.... I don't know why I am writing this entry because call me crazy, but I always thought that public diatribes on one's regrets in life are completely pointless. What's broken can be fixed, but it always leaves a scar. Perhaps I am writing it to let my friend know that I finally understand and truely regret what I came dangerously close to becoming. Perhaps I want her to know that I finally understand how much I have disappointed her constantly, that I am baffled by how she has chosen to accept and ignore so many of my antics, and I hope she gives me one last second chance before she writes me off completely. So T if you are reading this don't worry nobody reads my entries anyway so it isn't that public, and this time my phone will be switched on, on 1st October!!
"We all lose friends.. we lose them in death, to distance and over time. But even though they may be lost, hope is not. The key is to keep them in your heart, and when the time is right, you can pick up the friendship right where you left off. Even the lost find their way home when you leave the light on." Amy Marie Walz
In the past few days, I finally realised that I had managed to ignore everyone of these reminders... A friend of mine (at this point I am still wondering if she will let me call her that) very recently told me that I crib too much and perhaps what she was indirectly trying to tell me is that in a haze of self obsession, I had forgotten how to appreciate and understand people who wanted to stick with me through thick and thin, and that I am making it very difficult for them to make that sacrifice.... I don't know why I am writing this entry because call me crazy, but I always thought that public diatribes on one's regrets in life are completely pointless. What's broken can be fixed, but it always leaves a scar. Perhaps I am writing it to let my friend know that I finally understand and truely regret what I came dangerously close to becoming. Perhaps I want her to know that I finally understand how much I have disappointed her constantly, that I am baffled by how she has chosen to accept and ignore so many of my antics, and I hope she gives me one last second chance before she writes me off completely. So T if you are reading this don't worry nobody reads my entries anyway so it isn't that public, and this time my phone will be switched on, on 1st October!!
"We all lose friends.. we lose them in death, to distance and over time. But even though they may be lost, hope is not. The key is to keep them in your heart, and when the time is right, you can pick up the friendship right where you left off. Even the lost find their way home when you leave the light on." Amy Marie Walz
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Me, MYself and I: an essaY on the beloved narcissist
What do you do when you realise that the world actually looks up to chauvinistic racists??? Welcome to a Saturday afternoon in what people insist on calling a temple of knowledge. The narcissist stands in front of future leaders (atleast that's what he thinks!) and in full consciousness enlists his various criminal acts and his proteges applaud each sinful act. And in the corner sits the high priest of the temple, basking in the pride that comes with creating such a monster and out comes the occasional approving chuckle from the half wit. What's worse is that this brainless twit of an excuse for a human being will be responsible for the collective destinies of not one, but hundreds.... Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce with a heavy heart and dejected soul, Generation 'I'll applaud anyone who makes crass and inappropriate remarks' and their overlord Mr 'I am God's greatest creation and you better revere me especially when I refer to myself in the third person.'
Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen to the end of your intelligence and the death of your soul. By the end of this day you'll learn that if you can parrot of some lines from some renowned author's book, the world will be convinced of your intellectual prowess and will listen to you with keen ears even if all that spews out of that mouth of yours are not so subtle hints of jealousy against your peers that you have allowed to fester for years upon years because they made a choice which prevented you from lording over them with your monetary greatness. By the way, the narcissist insists that money is of no relevance. Don't worry ladies and gentlemen, the narcissist will teach you the art of hypocrisy as well. Free of charge of course!! But coming back to the delightful jealousy, which can only be described as some sort of long and drawn out mid life crisis of the narcissist, he will also teach you how by ranting on and on about that jealousy like a petulant child, you can entertain and draw applause from a crowd of similar half wits.
Whoever thinks that education ensures character, integrity and all that other stuff, might just want to meet the narcissist first, unless you are a spawn, sibling or in any unfortunate way related to the narcissist, then you are well on your way to greatness and power....
Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen to the end of your intelligence and the death of your soul. By the end of this day you'll learn that if you can parrot of some lines from some renowned author's book, the world will be convinced of your intellectual prowess and will listen to you with keen ears even if all that spews out of that mouth of yours are not so subtle hints of jealousy against your peers that you have allowed to fester for years upon years because they made a choice which prevented you from lording over them with your monetary greatness. By the way, the narcissist insists that money is of no relevance. Don't worry ladies and gentlemen, the narcissist will teach you the art of hypocrisy as well. Free of charge of course!! But coming back to the delightful jealousy, which can only be described as some sort of long and drawn out mid life crisis of the narcissist, he will also teach you how by ranting on and on about that jealousy like a petulant child, you can entertain and draw applause from a crowd of similar half wits.
Whoever thinks that education ensures character, integrity and all that other stuff, might just want to meet the narcissist first, unless you are a spawn, sibling or in any unfortunate way related to the narcissist, then you are well on your way to greatness and power....
Friday, January 1, 2010
The Christmas Miracle and New Year BirthdaY!!
25th December 2009, 2.35 a.m.
An overturned car somewhere in the middle of nowhere.
BLINK
Am I asleep or did that really just happen.
BLINK
This really is the middle of nowhere.
BLINK
Everyone is alive, but very silent.
BLINK
The car door is jammed. It eventually opens after a lot of panic driven kicking.
BLINK
A muddy farm with thorn bushes. Everyone is banged up a bit, I am not. That's odd.
BLINK
Frantic phone calls to emergency services. 30 minutes pass.
BLINK
A charity hospital somewhere. A doctor, half asleep, prescribes pain killers. The condition of the hospital and the doctor makes me contemplate, should I or shouldn't I?
BLINK
8 am. Slept in a hospital bed. Merry Christmas to us.
BLINK
Left the hospital. No one seemed to care that we just walked out of there.
BLINK
See the crashed car in daylight. How are we still standing?
BLINK
On the road again, but going the other way.
BLINK
Why do people say that your whole life flashes before your eyes when the time comes? Didn't happen to me or did I on some subconscious level know it wasn't time.
BLINK
Beautiful hills and streams along the way. Why am I appreciating these more than I usually do?
BLINK
10.30 pm Home sweet home.
WARM BED
So it wasn't exactly Christmas trees, cookies and carols, but I am still in one piece. I am starting to believe that life has a plan for me after all...
1st January 2010...
I have never been much for birthdays. They never turn out the way I want them to anyway. Why not? Let's just leave that for my actual birthday. But after a rather long New Year entertainment marathon, I woke up to the oddest surprise. Apparently, a fair number of people were under the impression that I grow older with each passing year. Literally!! Anyway, this year seems to have started on a high note...2 birthdays :)
An overturned car somewhere in the middle of nowhere.
BLINK
Am I asleep or did that really just happen.
BLINK
This really is the middle of nowhere.
BLINK
Everyone is alive, but very silent.
BLINK
The car door is jammed. It eventually opens after a lot of panic driven kicking.
BLINK
A muddy farm with thorn bushes. Everyone is banged up a bit, I am not. That's odd.
BLINK
Frantic phone calls to emergency services. 30 minutes pass.
BLINK
A charity hospital somewhere. A doctor, half asleep, prescribes pain killers. The condition of the hospital and the doctor makes me contemplate, should I or shouldn't I?
BLINK
8 am. Slept in a hospital bed. Merry Christmas to us.
BLINK
Left the hospital. No one seemed to care that we just walked out of there.
BLINK
See the crashed car in daylight. How are we still standing?
BLINK
On the road again, but going the other way.
BLINK
Why do people say that your whole life flashes before your eyes when the time comes? Didn't happen to me or did I on some subconscious level know it wasn't time.
BLINK
Beautiful hills and streams along the way. Why am I appreciating these more than I usually do?
BLINK
10.30 pm Home sweet home.
WARM BED
So it wasn't exactly Christmas trees, cookies and carols, but I am still in one piece. I am starting to believe that life has a plan for me after all...
1st January 2010...
I have never been much for birthdays. They never turn out the way I want them to anyway. Why not? Let's just leave that for my actual birthday. But after a rather long New Year entertainment marathon, I woke up to the oddest surprise. Apparently, a fair number of people were under the impression that I grow older with each passing year. Literally!! Anyway, this year seems to have started on a high note...2 birthdays :)
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Yet another return...
Yet again I am making a return...a return to blogging about whatever is worth blogging about. Alot has happened since my last entry. Instead of going into details let me just say that the joys and pains of real solitide have been felt, friendships have been ruined, jobs gained and lost, flats changed, new knowledge acquired, exams taken, truths have finally been revealed, confessions made and, of course, rejection and its inherent hurt experienced... People who were part of or contributors to these life altering events and are reading this will probably know what I am talking about. And thus my humble request to you, please don't recall them with me or anyone else because what's in the past deserves to stay there.
So if I am not going to elaborate about what has been missed...what is my intention today? Nothing really, just a reiteration that the intention of this blog as always is to record random thoughts and in the process show my disdain for reality... in the eternal words of the great Fido, "Reality is boring!!"
So if I am not going to elaborate about what has been missed...what is my intention today? Nothing really, just a reiteration that the intention of this blog as always is to record random thoughts and in the process show my disdain for reality... in the eternal words of the great Fido, "Reality is boring!!"
Thursday, April 30, 2009
RanDoM ThouGhtS
1. I am BORED!!!
2. Although I want this job, the truth is I need this job. My independence and sanity depends on it.
3. The only way I'll get this job is if lady luck shines on me. Don't know what I did to piss her off so much.
4. I really want to LIVE!! But I am so afraid I'll just live. How did I manage to screw it up so badly?
5. Why are people so afraid of being alone? And why is marriage the only solution that people can come up with?
6. I don't want to be a cog like so many people I know. Why don't more people want to do something worth doing?
7. Why does everyone insist that I find someone? I don't need a significant other to contribute fruitfully to a conversation about relationships.
8. People talk too much about their relationships. Have we run out of things to talk about?
9. I need a good cologne and a pair of jeans. I have too many deodorants and I hate deodorants...how did that happen?
10. Why do I not mean anything to the people who mean so much to me?
P.S. If you read the last one and wondering whether I am referring to you...YES I AM!!!
2. Although I want this job, the truth is I need this job. My independence and sanity depends on it.
3. The only way I'll get this job is if lady luck shines on me. Don't know what I did to piss her off so much.
4. I really want to LIVE!! But I am so afraid I'll just live. How did I manage to screw it up so badly?
5. Why are people so afraid of being alone? And why is marriage the only solution that people can come up with?
6. I don't want to be a cog like so many people I know. Why don't more people want to do something worth doing?
7. Why does everyone insist that I find someone? I don't need a significant other to contribute fruitfully to a conversation about relationships.
8. People talk too much about their relationships. Have we run out of things to talk about?
9. I need a good cologne and a pair of jeans. I have too many deodorants and I hate deodorants...how did that happen?
10. Why do I not mean anything to the people who mean so much to me?
P.S. If you read the last one and wondering whether I am referring to you...YES I AM!!!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Spur of the moment!!
Spontaneity is a wonderful concept... sometimes things done at the spur of the moment end up being our fondest memories for years to come or might give us the jump start that most of these pseudo-spiritual new age fads promise but never deliever...
Last weekend presented me with such an opportunity and thankfully I grabbed it without thinking twice... A friend of mine was driving down to Aurangabad from Bombay to meet his folks and he suggested that I join him. To me, the open road has always seemed like such an inviting yet challenging place. Of late, however, given the nature of lives, I haven't found alot of willing company for such escapades and thus hadn't indulged myself in a long time. Realising this, I accepted my friend's inticing offer.. We set off for Aurangabad on Friday evening and were well prepared to drive all night. We did stop once every 2 hours to recover from the constant jerking and pot holes. Just before entering Aurangabad we stopped at a local dhaba for the most delightful cup of masala chai and the most wonderful sight of cotton fields at the break of dawn.
Upon arriving at his folks' place, my friend hit the sack... I, on the other hand, decided to take in the local sights and sounds. First on my list was the much ignored 'Bibi ka Maqbara.' Built by the son of Emperor Aurangzeb, Azam Shah as a tribute to his mother Bano Begam, I was told it was built to rival the TAJ, but because of its similarity, it has been overshadowed by its more picturesque rival. It was certainly the highlight of my day, although it does bring with it an obvious sense of deja vu. The rest of the day was spent in and out of some temples built during the days of maratha rule.
Sunday began with a 25 km bus journey to the Ellora caves. These caves are so spread out that most tourists hire cars or auto rickshaws to see them in their entirety. I, however, decided to make a walk of it...and I must say, in retrospect, it was a good decision. I had a local guide book so that I wouldn't be staring aimlessly at the sculptures which given that they were built between 7-9 A.D. have been remarkably well preserved. The caves are like a picture book explaining the emergence of Hinduism, Buddhism and Jainism... Very vivid and beautiful. The caves are numbered so one doesn't loose his/her way. As the afternoon progressed I met this lovely Australian couple (R and M)... Apparently, they were in India because of a promise R had made to M as a part of their first anniversary. We spent the rest of the afternoon together, talking about many things while walking from one cave to another. We eventually went our separate ways when I decided to see a temple a few kilometers down the road which they had already seen... But to be honest, the conversation was probably the most open and delightful I have had in a while. Finally after a short trip to the temple, I got a ride from a cab-driver in a nearby tea stall back to Aurangabad.. To my surprise he charged me next to nothing because he said he was on his way to Bombay anyway and the only reason he took the money is because I kept insisting... After such wonderful experiences, I decided to call it a day.
The final day was spent with my gracious local hosts... My friend's father (an army man) told me stories which made me wonder how in our mad pursuit for riches and comfort, we barely take time to truly experience, to truly live...Apparently after college he decided to see India and set out with whatever little savings he had. The only reason he joined the army was to continue his journey of discovery...When I told him that I was there on a whim, he said "You have to start sometime," and smiled... Eventually we set out for Bombay again, but this time instead of anticipation I was filled with the best experiences I have had in a very long time...
Last weekend presented me with such an opportunity and thankfully I grabbed it without thinking twice... A friend of mine was driving down to Aurangabad from Bombay to meet his folks and he suggested that I join him. To me, the open road has always seemed like such an inviting yet challenging place. Of late, however, given the nature of lives, I haven't found alot of willing company for such escapades and thus hadn't indulged myself in a long time. Realising this, I accepted my friend's inticing offer.. We set off for Aurangabad on Friday evening and were well prepared to drive all night. We did stop once every 2 hours to recover from the constant jerking and pot holes. Just before entering Aurangabad we stopped at a local dhaba for the most delightful cup of masala chai and the most wonderful sight of cotton fields at the break of dawn.
Upon arriving at his folks' place, my friend hit the sack... I, on the other hand, decided to take in the local sights and sounds. First on my list was the much ignored 'Bibi ka Maqbara.' Built by the son of Emperor Aurangzeb, Azam Shah as a tribute to his mother Bano Begam, I was told it was built to rival the TAJ, but because of its similarity, it has been overshadowed by its more picturesque rival. It was certainly the highlight of my day, although it does bring with it an obvious sense of deja vu. The rest of the day was spent in and out of some temples built during the days of maratha rule.
Sunday began with a 25 km bus journey to the Ellora caves. These caves are so spread out that most tourists hire cars or auto rickshaws to see them in their entirety. I, however, decided to make a walk of it...and I must say, in retrospect, it was a good decision. I had a local guide book so that I wouldn't be staring aimlessly at the sculptures which given that they were built between 7-9 A.D. have been remarkably well preserved. The caves are like a picture book explaining the emergence of Hinduism, Buddhism and Jainism... Very vivid and beautiful. The caves are numbered so one doesn't loose his/her way. As the afternoon progressed I met this lovely Australian couple (R and M)... Apparently, they were in India because of a promise R had made to M as a part of their first anniversary. We spent the rest of the afternoon together, talking about many things while walking from one cave to another. We eventually went our separate ways when I decided to see a temple a few kilometers down the road which they had already seen... But to be honest, the conversation was probably the most open and delightful I have had in a while. Finally after a short trip to the temple, I got a ride from a cab-driver in a nearby tea stall back to Aurangabad.. To my surprise he charged me next to nothing because he said he was on his way to Bombay anyway and the only reason he took the money is because I kept insisting... After such wonderful experiences, I decided to call it a day.
The final day was spent with my gracious local hosts... My friend's father (an army man) told me stories which made me wonder how in our mad pursuit for riches and comfort, we barely take time to truly experience, to truly live...Apparently after college he decided to see India and set out with whatever little savings he had. The only reason he joined the army was to continue his journey of discovery...When I told him that I was there on a whim, he said "You have to start sometime," and smiled... Eventually we set out for Bombay again, but this time instead of anticipation I was filled with the best experiences I have had in a very long time...
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